How Bolivia Is Going to Survive the Apocalypse

The world is going to end on December 21, 2012, the Maya warned us. According to their beliefs, on that date we will arrive at the end of the 5,125-year-long cycle in the Long Count calendar, meaning that civilisation is going to change radically due to a series of events and catastrophes such as planetary realignment, magnetic polar shift, meteor strikes, solar storms—all of which will most likely induce a total blackout of the world and general chaos.

Photo: Joel Balsam

This may seem far-fetched, yet over the last years few years haven’t we all witnessed the slow blighting of the world? The global financial crisis, thunderous earthquakes in Iran and Haiti, city-crushing tsunamis in Japan and Sri Lanka, drought and food shortages, the Arab Spring, snowstorms and Hurricane Sandy in New York City—this surely must be evidence that the end is near and that civilisation is about to end.The threat is taken so seriously that even NASA has published information that refutes—or attempts to refute—these doomsday scenarios.

But maybe the world is not actually going to end; maybe it is just the end of the world as we know it. According to the ancestral prehispanic belief that the planetary alignment corresponds to a new age, December 21 will mark the beginning of a new era in which humankind can live in harmony with nature and each other, the era of el Vivir Bien.

In this spirit, and following the trend of end-of-the-world parties, the Bolivian government is throwing its own national celebration on the shores of sacred Lake Titicaca to celebrate the coming changes and the beginning of a new epoch in history. Lake Titicaca is a consecrated place where, according to the legends, life first appeared from the union of the father Sun and the mother Moon.

Apparently, the end of the Mayan calendar corresponds to the end of a 5,125-year-long so-called galactic summer in the Northern Hemisphere. This explains the historical North-South inequalities, which favored one side over the other by providing better climate and energy. The winter solstice on December 21 will mark a new beginning for the South, opening up the North to some very difficult times while its antipodean counterpart develops and flourishes.

To celebrate this cosmic dawn, Bolivian President Evo Morales has extended an invitation to the nations of the world to come to Bolivia in order to welcome this new era by ‘closing the non-time cycle and receiving the new cycle; a time of balance and harmony for Mother Earth’—the Tiempo del Pachakuti. Moreover, this year also marks the end of capitalism, egoism and individualistic values: It’s the end of the ‘Coca-Cola era’, announced Bolivian Foreign Minister David Choquehuanca (but not the end of Coca-Cola, as some people have taken this statement to mean), it’s ‘the start of a new cosmic era of community spirit and love and the beginning of the mocochinchi and willcaparu era’.

Photo: Amaru Villanueva Rance

It’s easy to see how Bolivia could get animated by these Mayan and Aymara predictions. After all, what other country than Bolivia could survive, and thrive after, an apocalypse? The general and utter madness that characterizes La Paz could hardly be affected by a small magnetic polar shift or a solar storm.

And saying that La Paz is a mad city is no understatement—it’s a testimony to its uniqueness and possibilities. Here we are surrounded by impossible buildings, frantic traffic, the street cacophony, dancing tucumanas on posters, incessant firework activity, pajpakus, fake officials, whimsical architecture, cholitas adorned with golden teeth, constant strikes, The Strongest fans, pimped-up cars, juice and milk in plastic bags, clogged toilets, jungles of electric cables hanging down the streets, sparkly light nights, and gringos from all over the planet . . .

So don’t be surprised if, come December 21st, you see an ekeko riding a sleigh pulled by fl ying llamas, trailing across the burning La Paz sky like one of the proverbial horsemen of the apocalypse. Might be something worth writing home about.

Cholita fashion is certainly eye catching, thanks to their sequined shawls, multi-layered polleras and distinctive bowler hats. However, once you get talking to many cholitas you may notice a special something in their uniquely radiant smiles - their teeth are crowned and adorned with all manner of metallic ornaments. Curious to learn more, I set out to investigate, visiting several dental practices across La Paz’s Zona Norte and El Alto.

Photo: Joel Balsam

After speaking with several dentists, it became obvious that there is a great variety both in the design and appearance of this dental work, with prices to suit all budgets. Someone with a slender wallet may only spend something like Bs. 300, and have just one or two acrylic/porcelain teeth implanted and then covered in chrome or silver. A cholita looking to splash out may spend upwards of Bs. 3000 to fill their mouths with gold and platinum crowns.

Gold is certainly the classic choice, and despite being the least durable and most expensive option available, it continues to enjoy great popularity. A dentist told me “Typically women ask for heart-shaped design, whereas men want something more rectangular”.

Back home in the UK, metallic mouths are more often associated with rappers such as Goldie and Juvenile. I somewhat doubt that rap artists and cholitas have too much in common, yet when it comes to this goudy oral fashion, it’s not unthinkable they have similar motives. From grillz to heart-shaped tooth-jewelry, this phenomenon is the lovechild of relative wealth, ostentatiousness, and pride. Indeed, I am told it is often monied carniceras and prominent merchants who can afford the most extravagant smiles.

Photo: Theo Haynes

Despite the fact that they are ever so proud, very few are willing brandish these beauties for the camera. This was certainly apparent after every single cholita in sight rejected our request for a photograph. We came to realise that the only way of seeing these teeth in all their glory was to engage them in conversation, or even better, make them laugh out loud. Like every well-established fashion, there are slow but constantly evolving innovations in the world of golden smiles. A notable change has been the introduction of economical and durable materials such as chrome, which is said to be the most comfortable when eating. Yet despite the seemingly burgeoning industry created around this cosmetic procedure, Dr. Israel Quispe tells us this fashion has seen its day, and that many of his customers who had this done a decade or two ago are now requesting the removal of these teeth, reverting to a somewhat more natural look.

These smiles can also be more expensive than first meets the eye. Dr Quispe also told us of a rather harrowing story of people with gold teeth in El Alto who had been victims of violent attacks: thieves had smashed their teeth out with stones just to steal the gold which, I should add, rarely even adds up to gram. There are certainly moments when you pay the full price of having an expensive smile.

How to Avoid Getting Mugged in the City

'Boteros, lanceros, monrreros, descuidistas, cuenteros, jaladores, pildoritas, secuestro express, cumbreros, carreros, cogoteros, documenteros....’ Thus began Lieutenant Llusco’s enumeration, upon being asked what types of criminals roam the streets of La Paz. Carefully taxonomised and all-too familiar to the Police’s ‘Crimes Against Property’ department, those are the types of delinquents you might encounter in the city. Some are your usual pickpockets. Others are physically aggressive, or try to drug you. And the more creative bunch, the ‘cuenteros’, are good with words, knowing how to extort unholy sums of money from us their unsuspecting victims.

Last week, for instance, the police disbanded a group of ‘pildoreros’ operating in nightclubs. Their modus operandi involved drugging their victims unconscious before emptying their pockets.

One can sit and admire the versatility and creativity of petty thieves in Bolivia. They constantly fathom new tricks to deceive and rob their innocent victims. Even though La Paz is hardly as dangerous as other South American capitals; tourists and locals are well advised to avoid falling prey to these crooks by taking the necessary precautions.

Please behold some scams you might experience here in Bolivia:

THE FALSE POLICEMAN

VICTIM: Your usual tourist

WHO AND WHAT: an accomplice ‘gringo’, a false police station, a policeman impersonator, and a taxi or a car.

MODUS OPERANDI: This is one of the more elaborate scams.

Step one: The innocent tourist - generally alone - is accosted by another such tourist looking for directions or asking to take a picture.

Step two: the victim is quickly befriended by the new tourist when a police officer appears, asking for their papers as a routine check-up. The other tourist complies easily, but when the victim shows his/her papers (passport, immigration sheet) something appears to be wrong.

Step three: the policeman asks both of them to follow him to the station to sort out the situation. The accomplice acts as if it’s perfectly normal and follows without hesitation.

Step four: the clueless victim is taken to some recluse location where he or she will be lightened of all valuables: credit cards, passport, camera, etc. In some variations the victim is taken to a cash machine where he or she will be prompted to give up their PIN number.

DO: Ask for proper identification and only talk to a police officer in uniform.

DON’T: Ever follow unidentified strangers into a vehicle (or anywhere for that matter).

CUENTO DEL TIO’ (THE UNCLE’S TALE)

VICTIM: The elderly

WHO AND WHAT: a well-spoken and persuasive perpetrator, an accomplice, false documents, counterfeit money

MODUS OPERANDI: These thefts are quite elaborate and extremely diversified. The name comes from the tale of the far away uncle who just left a considerable inheritance.

In one version of this scam, the con man asks for money for the trip and promises to return a bigger amount - which, of course, never happens.

In another version, someone drops an envelope in sight of you and the perpetrator. He goes to inspect and finds it is filled with cash. He comes up to you and says that, as you are the only ones who saw it happen, you should split the cash. You agree and he takes you to a place away from the public eye. Here his accomplice is waiting. Together they immobilise you and free you of your possessions.

DO: Follow the maxim: ‘If it’s too good to be true, it probably is.’

DON’T: Ever give money to strangers.

EXPRESS TAXI KIDNAPPING:

VICTIM: Your typical tourist, specially when inebriated

WHO AND WHAT: an ordinary looking taxi, a driver, one or two accomplices, sharp/hard objects and weapons

MODUS OPERANDI: The innocent and disoriented tourist coming out of the bus terminal hails a taxi, thinking it will lead him to a nice and comfy hotel. However, he is being taken to a cash machine under the threat of a sharp pointed object.

DO: Call for a radio-taxi if possible, check the car’s licence plate number is printed on the insides of the doors, engage the driver in conversation before you get on (to negotiate a fare). If you look at his face for long enough he’ll be scared of being identifi ed.

DON’T: Ever get into a taxi that gives you a bad feeling. Vague advice, we know...

BLACK MARKET JUNK

VICTIM: Any potential buyer and, of course, the smiling tourist

WHO AND WHAT: black market vendor, electronic equipment box, plastic

MODUS OPERANDI: You think you are buying a proper piece of equipment, a laptop, a camera, speakers, a telephone. You are shown the ‘display item’ and given a ‘brand new box’ complete with cellophane wrapper, but when you return home, possibly boasting about the bargain you just got, realise that the interior of your purchase is simply full of plastic and junk.

DO: Check the merchandise if possible

DON’T: Buy electronic equipment from the black market

THE STAIN

VICTIM: Bag-carrying pedestrian

MODUS OPERANDI: A helpful passerby, warns the clueless victim of the (usually mustard) stain on his jacket/bag/ shirt that has been subtly placed there by an accomplice. Embarrassed, the victim is offered help to clean the stain with tissues proffered from the passerby. When they place their bags on the fl oor to remove their stained item of clothing, the accomplice runs past and steals the bags. The ‘helpful stranger’ offers to chase after the thief, never to be seen again.

DO: Wait until you’re somewhere safe and private before wiping off a clothing stain.

DON’T: Accept help from strangers on the street, or leave your bags on the fl oor for a single second.